Have you ever had a relationship end and then go back to that person after the break up and have sex? Come on tell the truth… yes I’m pretty sure we’ve all done it. So anyway how was it? It was great wasn’t it? It had a whole different dynamic to it did it not? Have you ever wondered why that was so?
Relationships can be a challenging endeavour because in many ways we’re never as vulnerable as when we’re putting ourselves on the line for what we hope will be love. We all have insecurities and preferences and we all defend them and express them in different ways. When you bring two people together with all these dynamics co-mingling it can be difficult to find harmony and certainly a challenge to create futile soil upon which to nurture the delicate seedlings of love.
When we enter a conventional relationship whether aware of it or not, we create a third party structure which I’ll call ‘the relationship’. We have ourselves, we have the other person and now we have ‘the relationship’. This relationship contains the structured agreement that unites us and our partner and within it we place our progressively evolving expectations of the other, our rules, our absolutely not’s, our sometimes but only in these circumstances’, and whatever else we feel defines the unwritten agreement of our union known as ‘the relationship’.
Okay great now we’re in a relationship and it has structure and definition. Oh no, here’s where the challenges start to arise. We have created a very fearful scenario because half of the adherence to this agreement called ‘the relationship’ is out of our control. Here we are in a position where we have great emotional investment and therefore inherent vulnerability and we can’t even defend it because someone else holds half the power of adherence. Therein lies the desire to control the uncontrollable.
So this is where we see possession, control, and so called compromise come in. We are both afraid of our respective vulnerability so we must look to mitigate the risk. More conditions are added to ‘the relationship’.
No you can’t do that
I don’t want you to spend time with this person or that person
I don’t like it when you do this
I’m really uncomfortable with you doing that
Please be home by…
We have now created a situation of mutual enslavement founded in fear. The irony is that we carry on our lives saying this is the person we love yet the fruit of true love can not be born of fear. The highest love is without condition. How can unconditional love be grown in a garden of conditions?
This was the scenario I recently found myself in, snookered. I so sort to uncover the highest form of love yet ‘the relationship’ blocked me because of how it was constructed. As long as my emotional stake in ‘the relationship’ had to be defended on account of my fear, any love that existed was conditional on the terms of agreement and therefore not really love at all. Even though I was in what most would call an incredibly harmonious relationship, it didn’t matter, my insecurities had become inextricably combined with ‘the relationship’. Defending such a fear based structure can be emotionally intensive work, always at the ready, always trying to foresee where your stake in ‘the relationship’ could be breached, compromised, or undermined. Defend, defend, defend, fear, fear, fear.
My mind had become a house divided against itself. The more I cared about this beautiful woman, the higher my emotional investment in ‘the relationship’, which created more associated vulnerability and fear, producing more prevalent insecurities. The more I cared, the more I feared. I was going to destroy us and I could see it.
And so I ended ‘the relationship’. I couldn’t do it anymore because it wasn’t how I wanted to live or who I wanted to be. I wasn’t prepared to see the beautiful connection we had so enjoyed be destroyed through mounting fear based insecurities. I may not have been able to find the elusive unconditional love but I knew I cared about her enough to protect her from what I had seen in myself as a result of insecurities in previous relationships. I wasn’t going to let that become the enduring memory of our time together so I ended it on a high so that the beauty of us would be frozen as it was.
On the surface everything was great so she never saw it coming, nor did I. It broke her heart. I was trying to do something that wasn’t done, end a relationship before it deteriorates, before the resentment and bitterness creep in. I wanted to scoop the huge stack of chips off the table and walk away with us on top.
We both cried, I’ve never looked so ugly. I tried to explain my reasoning but I knew it was almost impossible to understand. Why would you throw away something seemingly so good? It was so hard because I was creating such pain and it would be so easy to end all the pain and just carry on as things were but I truly felt it was the right thing to do for us both so while being thrown around in the rapids of emotion I held on to that knowingness as if it was a little stick of truth extended to me from the riverside, I just gripped on and tried to ride out the emotional torrents.
When the emotions had settled a quite remarkable thing happened. As I began thinking about her and what would typically have been incredibly fearful thoughts of her moving on and potentially being with someone else, all I could think of was that I genuinely just wanted her to be happy and whatever or whomever that meant to her was okay. A deep and profound realisation flooded through my very being. I had burned ‘the relationship’ to the ground. There was no longer anything to defend, I no longer had a vested stake in what was a greenhouse of insecurity and fear. There were no longer any conditions. I knew in that moment that I had finally found it. There it was amongst the ashes of ‘the relationship’ like a beautiful sparkling jewel, so incredibly rare and precious, sort by all and found by few. Pure love. Unconditional love. I had found it where I least expected, going hand in hand with her absolute freedom.
I now know by virtue of my own experience and indeed the crucible of pain that fear can be transmuted into love. It is indeed the Alchemy of life. When all arms were laid down and defences given up, when all fears were embraced did they fall away and there true love stood revealed.
It is now my absolute belief that the greatest love gives total freedom, the greatest love understands that the divine gift of free will must be preserved as the highest priority and not subjugated on account of another’s fear, or insecurity, or limitation in thought. It is from the highest love of my Self that I too now claim and preserve my own freedom.
It is the divine right of every soul to be free and to move through this life as they feel best serves them. So often it is those that we think we love that we inadvertently commit upon them the greatest sacrilege of spirit, that being the subjugation of their free will and total freedom.
Since dismantling ‘the relationship’ this beautiful soul and I have come together as two free spirits to enjoy each other’s company in whatever way we decide to and in every aspect it has been electric. From conversation to sexual expression. We are two totally free entities choosing to share experiences when we feel drawn to do so. Insecurities are far less prevalent because their is no ‘relationship’ to defend. Those that come up are easier to productively process internally because you don’t tend to emotionally react to arising insecurity because you know you have no authority in the name of ‘the relationship’ to question or condemn. In interrupting the reaction you have a chance to face the fear and let the surging emotional wave internally crash, allowing the energy to dissipate and be released. Obligations, expectations, fear and control have been replaced by unconditional love, spontaneity and freedom of expression.
Everything is electric and alive, everything is free. When the highest love is present it flow’s toward the highest good for all and entwined within it is transparency and honesty. So therein lies the divine dichotomy, there appears to be no emotional security in such a connection, yet when pure love is the bed upon which you lie, that is your comfort, no ‘relationship’ with its conditional illusory security need exist.
By removing the cage and offering the canary it’s absolute freedom it doesn’t necessarily fly away. It is however an acknowledgement that it does not belong to you and it’s choice to stay or go is its own and indeed honoured. As long as it stays, so magnificent is it to look upon. It is spontaneous, it is unpredictable, and it is free in its very nature. It is because of this freedom that its very decision to remain in your presence holds you spellbound at its intricate beauty.
So of course this all flies in the face of everything society is accustomed to and it is certainly uncharted territory for myself personally. I don’t know how it will all play out, but that uncertainty is the nature of freedom and the free choice of another. It is however within that freedom that there is incredible magic to be experienced. I know that above all I will no longer impede the freedom of another and in each moment with every decision I will reach for the courage to choose freedom over control, and love over fear.